Michael Moore Honored With New Ben & Jerry's Flavor

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Vol 41 Issue 07

New Girlfriend Bears Disturbing Resemblance To Old Girlfriend

ATLANTA—Friends of David Buntrock told reporters Monday that his new girlfriend Katie Wickstrom looks unsettlingly similar to his former girlfriend Tonya Gill. "When I first saw them together I thought, 'Wow, did David and Tonya work things out?'" friend Angie Lisota said, explaining that both Wickstrom and Gill are petite, with cropped brown hair, big eyes, and a penchant for dressing like ballet dancers. "Even her voice sounds a little nasally, like Tonya's." According to Buntrock, Wickstrom "actually looks more like Audrey Hepburn."

Designers Opt To Stick With Last Year's Fashions

NEW YORK—The buzz around the 2005 Spring Fashion Week was "status quo," as top designers like Marc Jacobs and Oscar de la Renta chose to repeat their lines from 2004. "This spring is all about consistency," said Jacobs, who reintroduced a collection of gray and black slouchy long skirts. "We came out with a lot of great clothes last year, so we're gonna stick with those." Donna Karan agreed that "introducing a new look is a relic of the 20th century."

Bacon Just One Of Sprint's New Downloadable Ring Scents

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Wireless-phone-service provider Sprint PCS has added Hickory-Smoked Bacon to its quickly growing list of downloadable Ring Scents, which includes Pine Forest, New Car, and Cinnamon Potpourri. "Smells are stronger memory triggers than sounds, and now you can assign a different smell for everyone on your phone list," Sprint spokesperson Mindy Harris said. "We even have a line of Bling Scents like Cash, Crissy, and Blueberry. And we have Alabama Clay, Wet Dog, and Skoal Bandit for country-music fans." For customers who carry their cell phones in their mouths, Sprint will introduce Ring-Savors in January 2006.

510 Chuck E. Cheese Tickets Blown In Grape-Soda Induced Frenzy

CORDOVA, TN—Chuck E. Cheese patron Nathan Angrim, 9, was found passed out in a booth Monday, 510 game tickets poorer and surrounded by cheap toys, following a two-hour Welch's Grape Soda bender. "Dad, where'd all this stuff come from?" Angrim asked, gesturing to the plastic dinosaurs and slide whistles scattered across his pizza-sauce-stained T-shirt. "Last thing I remember, I was playing Skee-Ball. Oh, my head." The incident marks a backslide for Angrim, who swore that he wouldn't touch "the Grape" again, after last April, when he woke up shoeless in the colored-ball pool, his pinkies stuck in a Chinese finger trap.

Paris Review Receives Mysterious Plimpton Essay About Being A Ghost

NEW YORK—Paris Review editors report that they received an unsolicited essay from the late founder George Plimpton about his first-hand experiences as a ghost Tuesday. "I have always believed in immersing myself in my investigative work, be it as an acrobat, a boxer, or a Detroit Lion," read the cover letter accompanying the 3,200-word essay that materialized in the current editor's mailbox Monday. "Dying two years ago afforded me the unique opportunity to examine the afterlife from both sides of the Pearly Gates." Plimpton's letter said he would waive all payment, as he no longer has any use for things of the mortal world.

Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown

BISHKEK, KYRGYZSTAN—The masterminds behind the bloodless coup d'etat that wrested power from President Askar Akayev Sunday said they were disappointed by the peaceful, efficient execution of the regime change.

Israeli-Palestinian Cease-Fire

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon recently declared a cease-fire. What are some conditions of the peace accord?
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Michael Moore Honored With New Ben & Jerry's Flavor

BURLINGTON, VT—Ben & Jerry's, the Vermont-based ice-cream manufacturer known for its progressive social mission, held a press conference Monday to introduce a new flavor celebrating Academy Award winner Michael Moore.

Moore and the Ben & Jerry's ice cream named after his former TV series <I>The Awful Truth</I>.

"I'm really excited to announce the newest Ben & Jerry's ice-cream flavor," said Chrystie Heimert, Ben & Jerry's director of public relations. "In the spirit of Michael Moore's tasteful, playful calls for justice, we have created a tasteful, playful flavor: The Waffle Truth."

The Waffle Truth will honor the dynamic visionary by combining premium vanilla ice cream with strawberries, chocolate-covered waffle-cone bits, and a hint of cinnamon. The ice cream will be available in Ben & Jerry's Scoop Shops Friday, followed by a retail rollout in March.

"Making an ice-cream flavor that would do justice to such an important author and filmmaker wasn't easy," Heimert said. "We knew we'd be using ingredients bought at fair-market prices, but exactly what those ingredients would be was a source of a lot of good old-fashioned, honest, open debate."

Heimert said developers experimented with a host of possible ice-cream tributes to the best-selling author, including Stupid White Chocolate, Green Tea Nation, and Dude, Where's My Coconut?

Even after Ben & Jerry's decided what the new flavor would contain, developers struggled to perfect the name.

"We thought about calling it Cherry-heit 9-11, but we already have Cherry Garcia," Heimert said. "Fahrenheit 31.1 was the next choice, but we didn't think everyone would make the connection between the proper temperature for storing ice cream and the film that broke the theatrical documentary box-office record by seamlessly blending comedy with hard-hitting fact."

"We also considered a name reminiscent of our popular Chubby Hubby flavor," Heimert said. "But in the end, we decided The Waffle Truth would be more respectful to Moore's achievements than a flavor called Hefty Lefty."

Ben & Jerry's has previously honored pop-culture icons Phish and Jerry Garcia, as well as the TV show Seinfeld. This is the first time that the company has honored a director.

Sean Hannity blasts The Waffle Truth as "candy-coated, liberal fluff."

"Michael Moore's David-and-Goliath commentaries cut conservative bigwigs down to size,"Heimert said. "He follows the beat of his own drummer and works in his own unique way to improve the average American's life. Our choice was a natural—just like our ice cream: We use only fresh milk and cream bought from farmers that have pledged never to use recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone."

Added Heimert: "We believe that Michael will remain an important voice in American politics, and that we will find no need to discontinue The Waffle Truth, as we did Wavy Gravy, Doonesberry Sorbet, and Dilbert's World Totally Nuts."

The Emmy Award winner made a surprise appearance at the Ben & Jerry's Scoop Shop in Times Square to support the product.

"I'm honored Ben & Jerry's decided to dedicate an ice cream to me," Moore told the excited crowd. "It's a fantastic company with a great track record of treating their employees fairly and using only ethically produced ingredients."

"Plus, a lifetime supply of ice cream sounds pretty good," Moore added, patting his stomach with a self-deprecating laugh.

According to Ben & Jerry's press materials, The Waffle Truth rollout will include a nationwide tour by the company's promotional ice-cream wagon. The tour will begin its journey in Flint, MI and continue south to distribute free pints of ice cream in 14 Rust Belt cities suffering from post-industrial decline.

Other Ben & Jerry's flavors slated for introduction in 2005 are Praline Kael, Noam ChompChompsky Crunch, Ché Guava, and Nelson Vanilla, an anti-apartheid flavor that consists of a dark-chocolate sorbet swirled in an equal amount of vanilla ice cream.

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