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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Michael Phelps

Swimming — Baltimore, Maryland

Swimming Style: Faster, better than everyone

Special Skills: Can hold breath for entire Olympics

Favorite Place To Swim: Water

Childhood: Financial restraints forced him to compete in older sister’s one-piece until he was 16

Controversy: Disgraced family, fans after footage surfaced of him hosting Saturday Night Live

NEXT: LeBron James

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