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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time

NEW YORK—In a press release issued Friday, Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps publicly apologized to his fans and Americans everywhere after actually tasting one of the Subway sandwiches he endorses. "I am embarrassed, ashamed, and quite frankly disgusted in myself for encouraging other people to eat that bready, semi-meat-flavored amalgamation Subway attempts to pass off as a meal," the statement read in part, explaining that most commercial shoots only required Phelps to hold sandwiches near his face, and even so, he was under the impression that those were only props. "Actually watching the sandwich being made may have been even worse than eating it. Seeing that sad man peel translucently thin meat-sheets off damp paper and place them on limp marshmallowy bread, then dump on handfuls of gray-green vegetable matter and douse the whole thing in some goop out of a tube, took days off the end of my life. Again, I cannot begin to express how deeply sorry I am." The statement concluded by stating that Phelps will no longer continue on as a spokesman for Subway, adding that he would "rather endorse eugenics than that garbage."

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