adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time

NEW YORK—In a press release issued Friday, Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps publicly apologized to his fans and Americans everywhere after actually tasting one of the Subway sandwiches he endorses. "I am embarrassed, ashamed, and quite frankly disgusted in myself for encouraging other people to eat that bready, semi-meat-flavored amalgamation Subway attempts to pass off as a meal," the statement read in part, explaining that most commercial shoots only required Phelps to hold sandwiches near his face, and even so, he was under the impression that those were only props. "Actually watching the sandwich being made may have been even worse than eating it. Seeing that sad man peel translucently thin meat-sheets off damp paper and place them on limp marshmallowy bread, then dump on handfuls of gray-green vegetable matter and douse the whole thing in some goop out of a tube, took days off the end of my life. Again, I cannot begin to express how deeply sorry I am." The statement concluded by stating that Phelps will no longer continue on as a spokesman for Subway, adding that he would "rather endorse eugenics than that garbage."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close