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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time

NEW YORK—In a press release issued Friday, Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps publicly apologized to his fans and Americans everywhere after actually tasting one of the Subway sandwiches he endorses. "I am embarrassed, ashamed, and quite frankly disgusted in myself for encouraging other people to eat that bready, semi-meat-flavored amalgamation Subway attempts to pass off as a meal," the statement read in part, explaining that most commercial shoots only required Phelps to hold sandwiches near his face, and even so, he was under the impression that those were only props. "Actually watching the sandwich being made may have been even worse than eating it. Seeing that sad man peel translucently thin meat-sheets off damp paper and place them on limp marshmallowy bread, then dump on handfuls of gray-green vegetable matter and douse the whole thing in some goop out of a tube, took days off the end of my life. Again, I cannot begin to express how deeply sorry I am." The statement concluded by stating that Phelps will no longer continue on as a spokesman for Subway, adding that he would "rather endorse eugenics than that garbage."

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