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Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time

NEW YORK—In a press release issued Friday, Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps publicly apologized to his fans and Americans everywhere after actually tasting one of the Subway sandwiches he endorses. "I am embarrassed, ashamed, and quite frankly disgusted in myself for encouraging other people to eat that bready, semi-meat-flavored amalgamation Subway attempts to pass off as a meal," the statement read in part, explaining that most commercial shoots only required Phelps to hold sandwiches near his face, and even so, he was under the impression that those were only props. "Actually watching the sandwich being made may have been even worse than eating it. Seeing that sad man peel translucently thin meat-sheets off damp paper and place them on limp marshmallowy bread, then dump on handfuls of gray-green vegetable matter and douse the whole thing in some goop out of a tube, took days off the end of my life. Again, I cannot begin to express how deeply sorry I am." The statement concluded by stating that Phelps will no longer continue on as a spokesman for Subway, adding that he would "rather endorse eugenics than that garbage."

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