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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Michael Phelps Asks Bob Costas If He Wins Or Loses Tonight

LONDON—Following a morning interview with Bob Costas, American swimmer Michael Phelps is reported to have surreptitiously asked the NBC anchor how well he does in tonight’s 200-meter individual medley final. “I know you guys know the results of these things before you air them, and I know you’re not supposed to say anything, but how do I do? Do I get a medal?” Phelps was overheard asking Costas in hushed tones, adding that if Costas told him the results of the forthcoming event, he promised not to say a word. “At least tell me what my time is. Is it a world record? A personal record? How does Ryan [Lochte] do? Am I leading after the first lap?” According to sources, Costas declined to talk about the swimming results, but privately assured Phelps that he would “not want to miss a second” of the 2:30 p.m. men’s handball preliminary match between Croatia and Hungary.

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