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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Michael Phelps Asks Bob Costas If He Wins Or Loses Tonight

LONDON—Following a morning interview with Bob Costas, American swimmer Michael Phelps is reported to have surreptitiously asked the NBC anchor how well he does in tonight’s 200-meter individual medley final. “I know you guys know the results of these things before you air them, and I know you’re not supposed to say anything, but how do I do? Do I get a medal?” Phelps was overheard asking Costas in hushed tones, adding that if Costas told him the results of the forthcoming event, he promised not to say a word. “At least tell me what my time is. Is it a world record? A personal record? How does Ryan [Lochte] do? Am I leading after the first lap?” According to sources, Costas declined to talk about the swimming results, but privately assured Phelps that he would “not want to miss a second” of the 2:30 p.m. men’s handball preliminary match between Croatia and Hungary.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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