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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Michael Phelps’ Fiancée Gives Birth To Healthy 6-Pound Tadpole

TEMPE, AZ—Saying that he is “so overjoyed, excited, and thankful,” 18-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps announced Sunday that his fiancée has given birth to a healthy 6-pound tadpole. “On behalf of myself and Nicole, I’m thrilled to say that on May 5 at 7:21 p.m., we welcomed a healthy, happy male tadpole, weighing in at 6 pounds and 11 ounces, with a 5-inch tail,” read a statement from Phelps, which was accompanied by a photo of the smiling 30-year-old Olympian holding the newborn in his arms while gently caressing its gills. “Nicole and I are obviously incredibly tired after a lengthy 17-hour hatching, but we’re doing fine and can’t wait to get to know the newest member of our family.” At press time, Phelps’ publicist confirmed that the tadpole is now swimming comfortably with its parents back at the family’s water tank.

After Birth

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