adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Michael Phelps’ Fiancée Gives Birth To Healthy 6-Pound Tadpole

TEMPE, AZ—Saying that he is “so overjoyed, excited, and thankful,” 18-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps announced Sunday that his fiancée has given birth to a healthy 6-pound tadpole. “On behalf of myself and Nicole, I’m thrilled to say that on May 5 at 7:21 p.m., we welcomed a healthy, happy male tadpole, weighing in at 6 pounds and 11 ounces, with a 5-inch tail,” read a statement from Phelps, which was accompanied by a photo of the smiling 30-year-old Olympian holding the newborn in his arms while gently caressing its gills. “Nicole and I are obviously incredibly tired after a lengthy 17-hour hatching, but we’re doing fine and can’t wait to get to know the newest member of our family.” At press time, Phelps’ publicist confirmed that the tadpole is now swimming comfortably with its parents back at the family’s water tank.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close