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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Michael Phelps' Name To Be Mentioned Six Times Following Olympics

NEW YORK—Once the euphoria accompanying his remarkable eight Olympic gold medals subsides later this month, Michael Phelps will be mentioned by name only half a dozen more times throughout human history, experts confirmed Tuesday. "Oh, there will be some endorsements, and he'll be brought up a couple times during the London games, and naturally we can't rule out trivia questions," said Marita Sturken, a media and culture expert at New York University. "But in the end, Mike Phillips will be just another footnote in history." An informal survey of prominent newspapers, websites, and magazines found that mentions of the once-prominent swimmer's name are already becoming scarce, especially towards the conclusion of shorter articles.

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