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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Michael Sam Hoping Sexuality Won’t Be Issue In Locker Room Full Of Testosterone-Fueled Former High School Bullies

COLUMBIA, MO—After sending shockwaves through the sports world by publicly coming out as gay, University of Missouri defensive end and highly rated draft prospect Michael Sam expressed optimism Monday that his newly revealed sexuality won’t be an issue in an NFL locker room filled with rage-driven, testosterone-fueled former high school bullies. “I know my decision to come out is unprecedented in professional football, but I’m hopeful that my future teammates, many of whom once used their strength and intimidating physical stature to torment any of their peers whom they deemed weird or different, will respect me,” Sam told reporters, adding that while he doesn’t expect everyone to necessarily embrace his homosexuality, he hopes to at least receive fair treatment from fellow professional athletes who spent their formative years screaming “Faggot!” at effeminate classmates before shoving them into walls and punching them in the backs of their heads. “At the end of the day, we’re football players focused on winning games, so conceivably my sexual orientation won’t be a distraction to a group of oversized men essentially paid to violently express their anger on a daily basis and whose physical aggression toward others pretty much defines who they are as human beings.” Sam was also reportedly confident that his announcement will not adversely affect his draft stock among teams looking to capitalize on his sexual orientation in order to boost their own public image.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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