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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Michael Vick Embarrassed After Accidentally Burning Down Lincoln Financial Field

PHILADELPHIA—Newly acquired Eagles quarterback Michael Vick was "humiliated" Tuesday after an iron he had left unattended inside the team's locker room sparked a blaze that eventually burned Lincoln Financial Field to the ground. "I just wanted to press some shirts so I could look nice and make a good impression on the team, but now everybody is going to hate me," said Vick, choking back tears as he surveyed the still smoldering remains of the $518 million stadium. "I didn't mean to do it. I tried really hard to put out the fire, but when I smothered the flames they just got bigger and everything started burning. I'm super sorry. I promise it won't happen again." Vick, who said he did not notify police or the fire department because it would violate the conditions of his reinstatement, added that the stadium might be fine once it cools down.

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