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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Michael Vick Hopes Jail Is Like The Longest Yard Without All The Throwing

ATLANTA—Recently convicted Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is hoping that the events of his 23-month prison sentence play out similarly to those portrayed in the 2005 Adam Sandler football comedy The Longest Yard except for the movie's emphasis on passing the ball, sources close to Vick reported Wednesday. "I keep thinking that Mean Machine quarterback dude should just pull the ball down, maybe pump fake it first a couple times, but just pull it down and go around the end when the prison guards show blitz up the middle," Vick told friends and family at a pre-trial screening of the film. "He could always chuck it into dude's nutsack after the play was over." Vick was reportedly distraught to learn that, except for the probable presence of Michael Irvin, an actual prison would be nothing like the one in the movie.

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