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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Michael Vick: 'I Also Ate Kittens'

RICHMOND, VA—In yet another installment in his series of recent confessional and contrite televised press conferences, suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick apologized to his fans, teammates, and the National Football League on Wednesday for devouring the living flesh of four-to-eight-week-old kittens. "I did not by any means eat kittens for every meal, but I cannot deny I ate them," said Vick, saying he felt that although this was not necessarily the best time, he should just come clean. "Kittens just taste really good, as their meat is lean, yet tender and surprisingly juicy. Oh, and eating them is wrong—I know that now, and I am sorry." Vick added that he and unnamed companions would work up such an appetite from a long day of fighting, forcibly breeding, and slaughtering dogs that they could barely contain themselves and would often snap off their furry little heads and suck out the insides before they even left the parking lot, a practice of which he is now "very ashamed."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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