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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Michael Vick: 'I Also Ate Kittens'

RICHMOND, VA—In yet another installment in his series of recent confessional and contrite televised press conferences, suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick apologized to his fans, teammates, and the National Football League on Wednesday for devouring the living flesh of four-to-eight-week-old kittens. "I did not by any means eat kittens for every meal, but I cannot deny I ate them," said Vick, saying he felt that although this was not necessarily the best time, he should just come clean. "Kittens just taste really good, as their meat is lean, yet tender and surprisingly juicy. Oh, and eating them is wrong—I know that now, and I am sorry." Vick added that he and unnamed companions would work up such an appetite from a long day of fighting, forcibly breeding, and slaughtering dogs that they could barely contain themselves and would often snap off their furry little heads and suck out the insides before they even left the parking lot, a practice of which he is now "very ashamed."

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