Michael Vick Not Sure He's Got Another 4-12 Season In Him

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

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The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

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Michael Vick Not Sure He's Got Another 4-12 Season In Him

PHILADELPHIA—Newly re-signed Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, 32, revealed in a candid interview Thursday that he’s not confident he has another 4-12 season left in him. “If you’re asking me to be totally honest, I’m not sure lightning can strike twice and I’ll be able to perform like I did last season again,” said Vick, adding that given his age and the particular situation in Philadelphia, most players would feel fortunate to reach two wins. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to play my hardest in hopes of reaching six or seven wins, but after being in the league for as long as I have, you begin to realize what’s possible and what’s not.” In the wake of Vick’s comments, second-year backup quarterback Nick Foles said that if the situation arises, he’s more than ready to step in for any number of hard-fought losses.

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