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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Michael Vick Not Sure He's Got Another 4-12 Season In Him

PHILADELPHIA—Newly re-signed Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, 32, revealed in a candid interview Thursday that he’s not confident he has another 4-12 season left in him. “If you’re asking me to be totally honest, I’m not sure lightning can strike twice and I’ll be able to perform like I did last season again,” said Vick, adding that given his age and the particular situation in Philadelphia, most players would feel fortunate to reach two wins. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to play my hardest in hopes of reaching six or seven wins, but after being in the league for as long as I have, you begin to realize what’s possible and what’s not.” In the wake of Vick’s comments, second-year backup quarterback Nick Foles said that if the situation arises, he’s more than ready to step in for any number of hard-fought losses.

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