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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Michael Vick Not Sure He's Got Another 4-12 Season In Him

PHILADELPHIA—Newly re-signed Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, 32, revealed in a candid interview Thursday that he’s not confident he has another 4-12 season left in him. “If you’re asking me to be totally honest, I’m not sure lightning can strike twice and I’ll be able to perform like I did last season again,” said Vick, adding that given his age and the particular situation in Philadelphia, most players would feel fortunate to reach two wins. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to play my hardest in hopes of reaching six or seven wins, but after being in the league for as long as I have, you begin to realize what’s possible and what’s not.” In the wake of Vick’s comments, second-year backup quarterback Nick Foles said that if the situation arises, he’s more than ready to step in for any number of hard-fought losses.

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