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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Michael Waltrip Wins NASCAR's Sixth Cousin Award

RICHMOND, VA—NASCAR teams took a break Wednesday from practicing for the Crown Royal Dan Lowry 500 at Richmond International Speedway to honor NAPA Auto Parts driver Michael Waltrip with its Sixth Cousin Award, given every year to the driver who displays the best combination of driving talent and friendliness to his extended family. "I tell you what, without ol' Michael's talent coming off the porch for us this year, why, it just wouldn't be the same," said Carleton Franks, Waltrip's fourth-cousin-in-law twice removed, who presented him with the award. "Fr'instance, I still got me a leaf blower he loaned me, and he might'a mentioned it once or twice, in a remindin' fashion, but nothing I'd call pushy. To me, that's what NASCAR is all about." Some stock car insiders say that, while Michael Waltrip is not a bad cousin, he only received the award because his older brother, three-time NASCAR champion Darrel Waltrip, had been passed over so many times despite being equally eligible.

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