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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Michele Bachmann Figures Why Not, Introduces Homosexual-Beheading Bill

WASHINGTON—Saying that she’ll be gone soon anyway so she might as well, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann introduced H.R. 259: The Homosexual Decapitation Act, which would give the United States government legal authority to behead any gay U.S. Citizen. “I figured, eh, why not; I’m not running for reelection in 2014, I have nothing to lose, and I’ve been sitting on this bill for nearly five years, so what’s it going to hurt to finally throw it into the mix,” Bachmann said of the piece of legislation which, if passed, would create Homosexual Decapitation Centers throughout the country where handcuffed gay people would be taken to have their heads chopped off. “I’m also planning on introducing a Hang All The Muslims bill, the Abortion Doctor Castration Act, and H.R. 264, which would allow me to rip the throat out of any citizen who doesn’t believe in creationism. Rip it out with my teeth.” At press time, every new piece of legislation introduced by Bachmann had received more than 10 Republican cosponsors.

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