After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Black Man Does 8 Years


Michelle Obama Can Still Hear Their Little Labored Breaths When She Closes Her Eyes

WASHINGTON—Saying that there must be hundreds, if not thousands of them panting and gasping, First Lady Michelle Obama told reporters Monday that she still hears the labored breaths of overweight schoolchildren whenever she closes her eyes. “The huffing and puffing—I just can’t escape it,” said a visibly distraught Obama, describing the disembodied chorus of tiny wheezing lungs that has haunted her every single day since the beginning of her husband’s presidency. “It starts off slow, but then it gets faster and faster, louder and louder. Each night brings the endless pitter-patter of them running flat-footed across the gymnasium floor and then struggling to catch their breath. Oh, God, I can even hear them now.” At press time, sources said President Obama was awoken from his sleep by a sweat-soaked First Lady hysterically begging him to make them stop.

After Birth

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