Michelle Obama Finally Gets Around To Reading ‘Dreams From My Father’

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 29

Royal Baby Born

LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world.

Martha Sarahns

Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who ...

Detroit Files For Bankruptcy

Detroit became the largest municipality in U.S. history to seek bankruptcy protection yesterday, which will likely force the city to slash government employment, sell assets, and further pare back municipal services.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comedy

Michelle Obama Finally Gets Around To Reading ‘Dreams From My Father’

WASHINGTON—Saying that she had put it off for a long time and that now was as good a time as any, Michelle Obama told sources Monday she had finally gotten around to reading her husband’s 1995 memoir Dreams From My Father. “I read the first couple chapters back when it came out, but I just couldn’t get through it, and it’s been lying on my dresser ever since,” said the first lady, explaining that she felt obligated to read President Obama’s autobiographical exploration of race and identity in America even though, “to be honest, it’s a little slow.” “The parts about his dad seem a little overwrought, and he spends so much time writing about himself that he comes across a bit narcissistic—who writes a memoir when they’re 33, anyway? I skimmed a lot of it, but I can still pretend I read the whole thing if he asks.” The first lady added that The Audacity Of Hope fucking sucked.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More