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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Michelle Obama Quietly Reassigned To Department Of Agriculture After Butting Heads With President

WASHINGTON—After allegedly clashing with the commander-in-chief behind closed doors over the past several months, Michelle Obama has been quietly reassigned to a position within the Department of Agriculture, White House sources confirmed Wednesday. “We appreciate everything Michelle has done in the West Wing, but she and the president haven’t been seeing eye to eye on a number of key issues, so we agreed it was time for her to move on and put her skills to use elsewhere,” said White House press secretary John Earnest, adding that while the two have had their differences of opinion, the president still has the utmost respect for her service and wishes her the best of luck going forward. “Michelle has been part of the Obama White House since the beginning, and we are grateful for that. However, the time was right for her to pursue a new direction. We know she has a lot to offer, and we’re confident she will be a great fit in her new role at the Department of Agriculture.” At press time, the president was reportedly planning to tap Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey to fill the role of first lady.

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