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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Michelle Obama Quietly Reassigned To Department Of Agriculture After Butting Heads With President

WASHINGTON—After allegedly clashing with the commander-in-chief behind closed doors over the past several months, Michelle Obama has been quietly reassigned to a position within the Department of Agriculture, White House sources confirmed Wednesday. “We appreciate everything Michelle has done in the West Wing, but she and the president haven’t been seeing eye to eye on a number of key issues, so we agreed it was time for her to move on and put her skills to use elsewhere,” said White House press secretary John Earnest, adding that while the two have had their differences of opinion, the president still has the utmost respect for her service and wishes her the best of luck going forward. “Michelle has been part of the Obama White House since the beginning, and we are grateful for that. However, the time was right for her to pursue a new direction. We know she has a lot to offer, and we’re confident she will be a great fit in her new role at the Department of Agriculture.” At press time, the president was reportedly planning to tap Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey to fill the role of first lady.

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