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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Michelle Obama Quietly Reassigned To Department Of Agriculture After Butting Heads With President

WASHINGTON—After allegedly clashing with the commander-in-chief behind closed doors over the past several months, Michelle Obama has been quietly reassigned to a position within the Department of Agriculture, White House sources confirmed Wednesday. “We appreciate everything Michelle has done in the West Wing, but she and the president haven’t been seeing eye to eye on a number of key issues, so we agreed it was time for her to move on and put her skills to use elsewhere,” said White House press secretary John Earnest, adding that while the two have had their differences of opinion, the president still has the utmost respect for her service and wishes her the best of luck going forward. “Michelle has been part of the Obama White House since the beginning, and we are grateful for that. However, the time was right for her to pursue a new direction. We know she has a lot to offer, and we’re confident she will be a great fit in her new role at the Department of Agriculture.” At press time, the president was reportedly planning to tap Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey to fill the role of first lady.

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