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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Michelle Obama Seen Outside Walking Family Rhinoceros

WASHINGTON—Spectators outside the White House received a rare treat this morning when they witnessed First Lady Michelle Obama on the South Lawn going for a stroll with the family’s pet rhinoceros, Chauncey. “Owning a rhino is a lot of work, but all of the Obamas—and especially Michelle—really love Chauncey,” said White House spokesperson Sam Davidson of the 3,000-pound eastern black rhinoceros the family adopted in December after Barack Obama’s reelection promise to “finally get Sasha and Malia that rhino they’ve been wanting.” “And Chauncey really loves them all, too. He sleeps inside the White House master bedroom, he gives Sasha and Malia fun rhino rides, and he always charges at the president whenever he first enters the Oval Office.” Sources confirmed that the Obamas have been considering purchasing a steel cage for Chauncey ever since the rhino accidentally gored Health and Human Services Sec. Kathleen Sebelius earlier this month.

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