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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Michelle Obama Seen Outside Walking Family Rhinoceros

WASHINGTON—Spectators outside the White House received a rare treat this morning when they witnessed First Lady Michelle Obama on the South Lawn going for a stroll with the family’s pet rhinoceros, Chauncey. “Owning a rhino is a lot of work, but all of the Obamas—and especially Michelle—really love Chauncey,” said White House spokesperson Sam Davidson of the 3,000-pound eastern black rhinoceros the family adopted in December after Barack Obama’s reelection promise to “finally get Sasha and Malia that rhino they’ve been wanting.” “And Chauncey really loves them all, too. He sleeps inside the White House master bedroom, he gives Sasha and Malia fun rhino rides, and he always charges at the president whenever he first enters the Oval Office.” Sources confirmed that the Obamas have been considering purchasing a steel cage for Chauncey ever since the rhino accidentally gored Health and Human Services Sec. Kathleen Sebelius earlier this month.

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