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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Michelle Wie Announces Plans To Compete In LPGA Tournament

HONOLULU—In an announcement that has rocked the world of professional golf, longtime men's golfer Michelle Wie said Monday that she is planning to participate in the LPGA's season-opening SBS Open next February, which would make her the first woman to enter such an event since 32 women competed in the ADT Championship last weekend. "I have accomplished everything I am capable of accomplishing on the men's tour," said Wie, who finished second-to-last and missed the cut by 17 strokes in the men's Casio World Open earlier this month. "I'm looking for a real challenge—one within reasonable limits that I actually have a legitimate chance of surmounting. This will inspire girls everywhere to break society's barriers and begin playing sports against other females." Wie, however, said that while she had achieved a comfort zone on the men's tour, she is worried that the women of the LPGA will regard her with coldness, anger, and resentment for trying to join their tour.

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