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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Michigan Drops To Division III In Polls Following Second Loss

ANN ARBOR, MI—Coaches and players reacted philosophically Tuesday to the news that Michigan, which fell out of the USA Today polls' Top 25 following their loss to Appalachian State, is now ranked in Division III after a disastrous defeat at the hands of Oregon. "Naturally, I disagree with the voters, but as long as we're here, I think we owe it to our fans to try and make it to the [Div. III championship] Stagg Bowl at the end of the year," said Wolverines coach Lloyd Carr, who has led Michigan to four straight losses and their first 0-2 home season start since 1959. "I just hope the voters in this division's poll keep an open mind and take our strength of schedule into account." Michigan is currently ranked seventh in Division III football, ahead of fan-favorite Wesley but behind perennial powerhouse UW-LaCrosse.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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