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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Michigan Drops To Division III In Polls Following Second Loss

ANN ARBOR, MI—Coaches and players reacted philosophically Tuesday to the news that Michigan, which fell out of the USA Today polls' Top 25 following their loss to Appalachian State, is now ranked in Division III after a disastrous defeat at the hands of Oregon. "Naturally, I disagree with the voters, but as long as we're here, I think we owe it to our fans to try and make it to the [Div. III championship] Stagg Bowl at the end of the year," said Wolverines coach Lloyd Carr, who has led Michigan to four straight losses and their first 0-2 home season start since 1959. "I just hope the voters in this division's poll keep an open mind and take our strength of schedule into account." Michigan is currently ranked seventh in Division III football, ahead of fan-favorite Wesley but behind perennial powerhouse UW-LaCrosse.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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