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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Michigan Drops To Division III In Polls Following Second Loss

ANN ARBOR, MI—Coaches and players reacted philosophically Tuesday to the news that Michigan, which fell out of the USA Today polls' Top 25 following their loss to Appalachian State, is now ranked in Division III after a disastrous defeat at the hands of Oregon. "Naturally, I disagree with the voters, but as long as we're here, I think we owe it to our fans to try and make it to the [Div. III championship] Stagg Bowl at the end of the year," said Wolverines coach Lloyd Carr, who has led Michigan to four straight losses and their first 0-2 home season start since 1959. "I just hope the voters in this division's poll keep an open mind and take our strength of schedule into account." Michigan is currently ranked seventh in Division III football, ahead of fan-favorite Wesley but behind perennial powerhouse UW-LaCrosse.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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