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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Michigan Fans Thankful Program No Longer Relevant Enough To Be Humiliated On National Stage

ANN ARBOR, MI—Following yesterday’s firing of head coach Brady Hoke, fans of the University of Michigan football team confirmed Wednesday that they are simply thankful the program is no longer relevant enough to be completely humiliated on a national stage. “It’s actually a relief to know that our years of total mediocrity basically preclude us from being crushed in front of millions of people during some sort of big-time game,” said 26-year-old Joseph Reilly, one of thousands of Michigan fans who admitted to taking some comfort in the program’s insignificance, as it virtually ensures they will not have to be thoroughly embarrassed during an ABC or ESPN primetime broadcast in the near future. “At this point, we’re so far removed from the national picture that we’re almost immune to being on the receiving end of a huge blowout during a major bowl game. Honestly, I’m just glad we’re so much of an afterthought that we’re at least free to disgrace ourselves in relative obscurity.” Reached for comment, members of the Michigan athletic department told reporters they are equally thankful the program’s fall from prominence has drastically lessened the pressure to get the next coaching hire right.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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