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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Michigan Fans Thankful Program No Longer Relevant Enough To Be Humiliated On National Stage

ANN ARBOR, MI—Following yesterday’s firing of head coach Brady Hoke, fans of the University of Michigan football team confirmed Wednesday that they are simply thankful the program is no longer relevant enough to be completely humiliated on a national stage. “It’s actually a relief to know that our years of total mediocrity basically preclude us from being crushed in front of millions of people during some sort of big-time game,” said 26-year-old Joseph Reilly, one of thousands of Michigan fans who admitted to taking some comfort in the program’s insignificance, as it virtually ensures they will not have to be thoroughly embarrassed during an ABC or ESPN primetime broadcast in the near future. “At this point, we’re so far removed from the national picture that we’re almost immune to being on the receiving end of a huge blowout during a major bowl game. Honestly, I’m just glad we’re so much of an afterthought that we’re at least free to disgrace ourselves in relative obscurity.” Reached for comment, members of the Michigan athletic department told reporters they are equally thankful the program’s fall from prominence has drastically lessened the pressure to get the next coaching hire right.

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