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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Michigan Fans Thankful Program No Longer Relevant Enough To Be Humiliated On National Stage

ANN ARBOR, MI—Following yesterday’s firing of head coach Brady Hoke, fans of the University of Michigan football team confirmed Wednesday that they are simply thankful the program is no longer relevant enough to be completely humiliated on a national stage. “It’s actually a relief to know that our years of total mediocrity basically preclude us from being crushed in front of millions of people during some sort of big-time game,” said 26-year-old Joseph Reilly, one of thousands of Michigan fans who admitted to taking some comfort in the program’s insignificance, as it virtually ensures they will not have to be thoroughly embarrassed during an ABC or ESPN primetime broadcast in the near future. “At this point, we’re so far removed from the national picture that we’re almost immune to being on the receiving end of a huge blowout during a major bowl game. Honestly, I’m just glad we’re so much of an afterthought that we’re at least free to disgrace ourselves in relative obscurity.” Reached for comment, members of the Michigan athletic department told reporters they are equally thankful the program’s fall from prominence has drastically lessened the pressure to get the next coaching hire right.

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