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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Michigan Fans Thankful Program No Longer Relevant Enough To Be Humiliated On National Stage

ANN ARBOR, MI—Following yesterday’s firing of head coach Brady Hoke, fans of the University of Michigan football team confirmed Wednesday that they are simply thankful the program is no longer relevant enough to be completely humiliated on a national stage. “It’s actually a relief to know that our years of total mediocrity basically preclude us from being crushed in front of millions of people during some sort of big-time game,” said 26-year-old Joseph Reilly, one of thousands of Michigan fans who admitted to taking some comfort in the program’s insignificance, as it virtually ensures they will not have to be thoroughly embarrassed during an ABC or ESPN primetime broadcast in the near future. “At this point, we’re so far removed from the national picture that we’re almost immune to being on the receiving end of a huge blowout during a major bowl game. Honestly, I’m just glad we’re so much of an afterthought that we’re at least free to disgrace ourselves in relative obscurity.” Reached for comment, members of the Michigan athletic department told reporters they are equally thankful the program’s fall from prominence has drastically lessened the pressure to get the next coaching hire right.

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