Mid-Level Manager Forced To Find Out Who Isn't Flushing The Toilet

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Vol 36 Issue 14

Hotshot Test Pilot Removes Helmet, Reveals Female Status

SHEPPARD AFB, TX–"Corporal Green," an enigmatic but brilliant Air Force test pilot, was revealed to be a woman Monday, when she removed her flight helmet following a trial run of the new AF-50 Shadowhawk, rumored to be "the fastest thing on landing gears." "I was completely flabbergasted to discover that the cocky ace behind those death-defying barrel rolls and devil-may-care canyon strafes was, in fact, a woman–and a gorgeous one at that," Lieut. Col. Thomas Hagerty said. "The flight suits are sufficiently baggy that I never suspected it until she took off the helmet and shook her head, sending her long blonde hair cascading down her back." Hagerty noted that his recent statement that Green "has got solid-brass balls" is now steeped in irony.

New 'Time' To Keep Everything From Happening At Once

CAMBRIDGE, MA–On what is now known as "Monday," a team of MIT scientists unveiled "time," a revolutionary new event-sequencing protocol which organizes phenomena along a four-dimensional axis, preventing everything from taking place at once. "No longer will the extinction of the dinosaurs, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and the Earth-Xabraxiq Pod Wars all collapse into a single point," theoretical physicist Dr. Lawrence Chang said. "With time, we can now contextualize each of the universe's infinite number of occurrences in its own spatial-temporal plane, creating order where there once was chaos." Added Dr. Erno Toffel: "Using time, one event can be positioned chronologically so as to be the cause of another. For example, a man's death may result in a gun being fired at him. Or the other way around. We're still working out some of the kinks."

Waiter Seriously Needs His Apps

INDEPENDENCE, MO–Twenty minutes after turning in table eight's order, T.G.I.Friday's waiter Eric Porcher announced Monday that he seriously needs his apps. "Still waiting on those apps, guys," Porcher shouted into the kitchen, hoping to spur the grill crew into swifter action on table eight's long-overdue appetizer order of Buffalo chicken strips and Jalapeño Poppers. "My four-top is short on apps." Five minutes later, Porcher added, "Still waiting on those chick strips and Poppers."

Teen Breaks Rules In Socially Accepted Ways

HACIENDA HEIGHTS, CA–Daniel Lindblad, 15, openly flouts societal conventions in a manner that will not get him in trouble, it was reported Monday. "I just got this T-shirt that's got a picture of Charles Manson with the swastika on his forehead," Lindblad said. "It's so fuckin' sick. I always wear a sweatshirt over it when my parents are around–they'd totally kill me if they saw it." Lindblad said he plans to pierce his nose and dye his hair blue this June, "the moment school lets out."

Report: Most Terrorists Do Not Start The Day Off With A Good Breakfast

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND–In a report that is prompting some to rethink the causes of terrorism, the World Health Organization announced Monday that a startling 96 percent of international terrorists do not start off the day with a good breakfast. "Very few of those who use violence to advance their radical agendas enjoy a healthy, well-balanced breakfast with selections from a variety of food groups," WHO director Johann Bruckhörst-Kliebe said. "These findings make it clear that when it comes to the problem of fighting terrorism, nutrition may play a far more important role than previously believed."

Jean Teasdale Living

Well, Jeanketeers, I've got a confession to make: For a while there, I wasn't following my trusty old axiom, "Keep smiling!" In fact, you could say that my frown practically dragged on the ground!

I'm Not A Wino, I'm A 'Why-Yes'!

I've sucked down a lot of booze in my 42 years. A hell of a lot. In fact, some would go so far as to call me a wino. But I've got no time for that kind of negativity. I'm not a wino... I'm a "why-yes"!

Watching N. Aeschylus Grow

It is a bitter-sweet season at the Zweibel mansion. Though my sweet betrothed, Miss Bernadette Fiske, has perished from a swooning fit brought on by extreme womanliness, her delicate, lithe-limbed beauty lives on in our square-headed, seven-foot-tall baby boy, N. Aeschylus. The clangor of his iron feet as he frolics about the mansion is just the tonic my nerves require. I had forgotten the wonder that is a Zweibel-child!

The Columbine Legacy

April 20 marks the one-year anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting. What is the legacy of this tragedy?
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Mid-Level Manager Forced To Find Out Who Isn't Flushing The Toilet

DOVER, DE–Bill Tepfer, an associate service-department manager at Shademaster Tent & Awning Supply, was ordered by his supervisor Monday to determine the party responsible for not flushing the second-floor toilet.

Associate service-department manager Bill Tepfer.

"Someone in this company has been neglecting to flush after going to the bathroom," said Tepfer, 31. "And I've been put in charge of finding out who that person is."

According to secretary Shelley Grabisch, three times in the past two days, various Shademaster employees have attempted to use the second-floor bathroom, only to discover toilet paper and fecal matter still in the bowl.

"It's disgusting," Grabisch said. "It's been particularly bad the last few days, but it's been going on a lot longer than that. We're talking at least every other day for a month."

The unflushed toilet has dominated office conversation of late, with Shademaster employees trading anecdotes and details of their own encounters with the toilet, as well as airing their own theories regarding who the guilty party may be.

"Everyone's very curious about who's doing it," said Tepfer, who earned a business degree from the University of Delaware in 1990. "It doesn't really make sense: How could you forget to flush? And if the person is doing it on purpose, why? What could they possibly have to gain by leaving that kind of mess?"

"At first, I figured the fecal matter was being left there because it was too big to be flushed," Tepfer continued. "But every time it's been discovered, it's gone right down without a problem. So we're not even talking about a situation where somebody clogs the toilet and then runs away in embarrassment."

Tepfer has begun checking the toilet at regular one-hour intervals, but he has had little luck. At 1 p.m. Tuesday, he checked and found it properly flushed, but 10 minutes later, a coworker called him back to the area to show him the toilet filled with copious amounts of toilet paper and bodily waste.

"I could hang around outside the bathroom and try to catch the culprit in the act, but I'd pretty much have to be there around the clock," Tepfer said. "Besides, everybody knows I've been assigned this task, so the guilty party probably wouldn't even use the bathroom if they saw me nearby. I've also considered directly asking everyone, but I just can't imagine what I'd say."

Tepfer verifies the presence of unflushed bodily waste in the second-floor toilet.

Tepfer said he believes a sternly worded sign reminding employees to flush would be an effective measure. However, he noted: "An entry in the employee handbook clearly states that, 'In order to maintain a professional atmosphere, no paper or cardboard signs are to be posted in or around any shared employee areas, including the break rooms, hallways, or bathrooms.' So, unfortunately, that's out."

Tepfer was assigned the task of identifying the non-flusher by his direct superior, service-department manager Milt Trautwig.

"Milt stressed to me that, with only two bathrooms serving all 44 employees in the company, it is imperative that both are in full working condition at all times," Tepfer said. "He also said the smell is really bothering the accounting department, whose area is right across the hall."

"I've gleaned that it usually happens in the early afternoon," Tepfer said. "They're probably doing it right when they get back from lunch."

"Really, it could be anyone in this whole building," Tepfer added.

Despite being given the task less than 48 hours ago, Tepfer is already feeling the pressure to root out the guilty party. Yesterday, he received a lengthy e-mail from senior sales representative Bob Raeder complaining that the situation is "causing huge problems" among his staff.

"Not only is it unpleasant," Raeder's e-mail read in part, "it is cutting into valuable work time, as members of my team are forced to wait in long lines for the first-floor restroom due to the recurring problem in the restroom they normally would use. It is my sincere hope that you can remedy this situation soon."

Thus far, Tepfer has received nearly 30 e-mails from coworkers expressing their feelings about the situation.

"When I find the toilet unflushed, unlike some others here, I will flush it," secretary Diane Huncke wrote. "But that doesn't change the fact that I shouldn't have to."

"This is ridiculous!!!" promotions coordinator Jeanette Wolk wrote. "We are all grown adults here, yet some of us can't seem to observe the most basic rules of hygiene!!!"

Tepfer, a lifelong Dover resident, has been with Shademaster since 1992. Starting out answering phones as a customer-service representative, he quickly climbed through the ranks, promoted to lead operator in 1994, to junior associate service-department manager in 1997, and to his current associate-manager post in 1999.

"I'm not thrilled to be the one who has to find out who's not flushing," Tepfer said. "But sometimes you have to do these kinds of things when you're the associate manager. With position comes certain duties."

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