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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Middle-Aged Man In Gym Locker Room Puts Shirt On Before Underwear

FREDERICKSBURG, VA—Unable to fully avert their gaze as the situation unfolded, sources in the men’s locker room at Capital Fitness confirmed Thursday that a middle-aged gym patron put on his shirt before his underwear. “I swear the guy’s pair of briefs were sitting right there on the bench, but he just ignored them and went straight for his shirt,” said onlooker Mike Housakos, who noted that instead of continuing to dress himself after buttoning his shirt down to his waist, the man then walked all the way to the opposite side of the locker room to deposit his towel in the bin. “And it’s not like he was in any rush to get his underwear on after that. He even picked up his phone and looked at it for a little bit. Jesus.” Sources confirmed that at press time, the half-nude man was putting on his socks.

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