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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Middle-Aged Man In Gym Locker Room Puts Shirt On Before Underwear

FREDERICKSBURG, VA—Unable to fully avert their gaze as the situation unfolded, sources in the men’s locker room at Capital Fitness confirmed Thursday that a middle-aged gym patron put on his shirt before his underwear. “I swear the guy’s pair of briefs were sitting right there on the bench, but he just ignored them and went straight for his shirt,” said onlooker Mike Housakos, who noted that instead of continuing to dress himself after buttoning his shirt down to his waist, the man then walked all the way to the opposite side of the locker room to deposit his towel in the bin. “And it’s not like he was in any rush to get his underwear on after that. He even picked up his phone and looked at it for a little bit. Jesus.” Sources confirmed that at press time, the half-nude man was putting on his socks.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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