adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Middle-Aged Man In Gym Locker Room Puts Shirt On Before Underwear

FREDERICKSBURG, VA—Unable to fully avert their gaze as the situation unfolded, sources in the men’s locker room at Capital Fitness confirmed Thursday that a middle-aged gym patron put on his shirt before his underwear. “I swear the guy’s pair of briefs were sitting right there on the bench, but he just ignored them and went straight for his shirt,” said onlooker Mike Housakos, who noted that instead of continuing to dress himself after buttoning his shirt down to his waist, the man then walked all the way to the opposite side of the locker room to deposit his towel in the bin. “And it’s not like he was in any rush to get his underwear on after that. He even picked up his phone and looked at it for a little bit. Jesus.” Sources confirmed that at press time, the half-nude man was putting on his socks.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close