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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
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Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life. “I try to slow down and really savor snacks these days,” said Kearns, attributing his growing fulfillment to the maturity that comes from a lifetime of having snacks. “Sure, I’m not having snacks as much as I did back in my twenties, but I’m much more comfortable mixing things up now. I’ve been open to being more experimental, and that has led to my enjoyment of some unbelievably hot snacks. And I’ve been having snacks all over the place: the kitchen, in the car—heck, last week I even had snacks in the tub. It’s been incredible.” Kearns added that, though he no longer rushes his way through snacks like he did in his youth, he does still tend to fall asleep immediately afterward.

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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

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