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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Netflix Instant Thinking About Adding Good Movie

LOS GATOS, CA—In a swift and unexpected departure from their present business model, officials from Netflix revealed Wednesday that the company is currently considering adding a good movie to their online streaming service.

Non-Alcoholic Beer Inventor Unveils New Non-Adhesive Glue

ST. LOUIS–Hot on the heels of his successful line of non-curative medicines, non-alcoholic-beer inventor Thomas O'Doul unveiled "Elmer's Slick," a glue that looks and feels like ordinary white glue but has no adhesive properties. "Say goodbye to your fingers getting all stuck together, just because you want to glue things," O'Doul said at a press conference Monday. "With Elmer's Slick, you can enjoy gluing without all the messy adhesiveness." O'Doul said he next plans to develop a flame-retardant gasoline and the world's first gelatinous construction lumber.

High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.
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Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life. “I try to slow down and really savor snacks these days,” said Kearns, attributing his growing fulfillment to the maturity that comes from a lifetime of having snacks. “Sure, I’m not having snacks as much as I did back in my twenties, but I’m much more comfortable mixing things up now. I’ve been open to being more experimental, and that has led to my enjoyment of some unbelievably hot snacks. And I’ve been having snacks all over the place: the kitchen, in the car—heck, last week I even had snacks in the tub. It’s been incredible.” Kearns added that, though he no longer rushes his way through snacks like he did in his youth, he does still tend to fall asleep immediately afterward.

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High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.

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