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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life. “I try to slow down and really savor snacks these days,” said Kearns, attributing his growing fulfillment to the maturity that comes from a lifetime of having snacks. “Sure, I’m not having snacks as much as I did back in my twenties, but I’m much more comfortable mixing things up now. I’ve been open to being more experimental, and that has led to my enjoyment of some unbelievably hot snacks. And I’ve been having snacks all over the place: the kitchen, in the car—heck, last week I even had snacks in the tub. It’s been incredible.” Kearns added that, though he no longer rushes his way through snacks like he did in his youth, he does still tend to fall asleep immediately afterward.

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