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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days’ Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack

MUSCAT, OMAN—Sifting through various items in his dresser and closet, 36-year-old Omani graduate student Raed Saleh told reporters Monday that he was not sure how many days’ worth of airport detention clothes to bring for his upcoming trip to the United States. “I definitely want to pack enough to last me the entire time I’m detained at Newark International Airport, but I also don’t want to overdo it,” said Saleh, adding that five T-shirts would likely be enough to avoid having to do laundry while he is being held for questioning by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. “I’m definitely going to pack a whole week’s worth of socks and underwear, and even though I doubt it’ll be too cold inside the cordoned-off holding area at customs, I should definitely have a sweater just in case. But I can just wear my jeans every day and then throw on some pajama bottoms at night so I’ll be comfortable sleeping inside the airport terminal.” At press time, Saleh had decided to also pack a book of sudoku puzzles to occupy himself in case his phone and laptop were illegally confiscated during his detention.

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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