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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days’ Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack

MUSCAT, OMAN—Sifting through various items in his dresser and closet, 36-year-old Omani graduate student Raed Saleh told reporters Monday that he was not sure how many days’ worth of airport detention clothes to bring for his upcoming trip to the United States. “I definitely want to pack enough to last me the entire time I’m detained at Newark International Airport, but I also don’t want to overdo it,” said Saleh, adding that five T-shirts would likely be enough to avoid having to do laundry while he is being held for questioning by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. “I’m definitely going to pack a whole week’s worth of socks and underwear, and even though I doubt it’ll be too cold inside the cordoned-off holding area at customs, I should definitely have a sweater just in case. But I can just wear my jeans every day and then throw on some pajama bottoms at night so I’ll be comfortable sleeping inside the airport terminal.” At press time, Saleh had decided to also pack a book of sudoku puzzles to occupy himself in case his phone and laptop were illegally confiscated during his detention.

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