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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days’ Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack

MUSCAT, OMAN—Sifting through various items in his dresser and closet, 36-year-old Omani graduate student Raed Saleh told reporters Monday that he was not sure how many days’ worth of airport detention clothes to bring for his upcoming trip to the United States. “I definitely want to pack enough to last me the entire time I’m detained at Newark International Airport, but I also don’t want to overdo it,” said Saleh, adding that five T-shirts would likely be enough to avoid having to do laundry while he is being held for questioning by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. “I’m definitely going to pack a whole week’s worth of socks and underwear, and even though I doubt it’ll be too cold inside the cordoned-off holding area at customs, I should definitely have a sweater just in case. But I can just wear my jeans every day and then throw on some pajama bottoms at night so I’ll be comfortable sleeping inside the airport terminal.” At press time, Saleh had decided to also pack a book of sudoku puzzles to occupy himself in case his phone and laptop were illegally confiscated during his detention.

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Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

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