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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Middle Manager Announces Plans To Skedaddle

ST. PAUL, MN—Following the successful completion of a large collating project, administrative supervisor Becky Szafranski announced plans to skedaddle earlier than usual Friday.

"Sorry, gang, I gotta scoot," said Szafranski, who also had to boogie early on Tuesday for a dental appointment. "If I don't get off my patoot now, the bank will close before I get there."

Szafranski's assistant, Kelly Toomey, said that if Szafranski continues her recent habit of premature skedaddling, she is sure to catch h-e-double-hockey-sticks from department director David Welling.

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