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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Middle Manager Announces Plans To Skedaddle

ST. PAUL, MN—Following the successful completion of a large collating project, administrative supervisor Becky Szafranski announced plans to skedaddle earlier than usual Friday.

"Sorry, gang, I gotta scoot," said Szafranski, who also had to boogie early on Tuesday for a dental appointment. "If I don't get off my patoot now, the bank will close before I get there."

Szafranski's assistant, Kelly Toomey, said that if Szafranski continues her recent habit of premature skedaddling, she is sure to catch h-e-double-hockey-sticks from department director David Welling.

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