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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Middle Manager Announces Plans To Skedaddle

ST. PAUL, MN—Following the successful completion of a large collating project, administrative supervisor Becky Szafranski announced plans to skedaddle earlier than usual Friday.

"Sorry, gang, I gotta scoot," said Szafranski, who also had to boogie early on Tuesday for a dental appointment. "If I don't get off my patoot now, the bank will close before I get there."

Szafranski's assistant, Kelly Toomey, said that if Szafranski continues her recent habit of premature skedaddling, she is sure to catch h-e-double-hockey-sticks from department director David Welling.

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