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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Middle Manager Announces Plans To Skedaddle

ST. PAUL, MN—Following the successful completion of a large collating project, administrative supervisor Becky Szafranski announced plans to skedaddle earlier than usual Friday.

"Sorry, gang, I gotta scoot," said Szafranski, who also had to boogie early on Tuesday for a dental appointment. "If I don't get off my patoot now, the bank will close before I get there."

Szafranski's assistant, Kelly Toomey, said that if Szafranski continues her recent habit of premature skedaddling, she is sure to catch h-e-double-hockey-sticks from department director David Welling.

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