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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Middle Manager Announces Plans To Skedaddle

ST. PAUL, MN—Following the successful completion of a large collating project, administrative supervisor Becky Szafranski announced plans to skedaddle earlier than usual Friday.

"Sorry, gang, I gotta scoot," said Szafranski, who also had to boogie early on Tuesday for a dental appointment. "If I don't get off my patoot now, the bank will close before I get there."

Szafranski's assistant, Kelly Toomey, said that if Szafranski continues her recent habit of premature skedaddling, she is sure to catch h-e-double-hockey-sticks from department director David Welling.

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