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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Mideast Peace Process Derailed, Burned To Ground, Shoveled Over With Dirt

JERUSALEM—The Mideast peace process was once again derailed Monday, when U.S.-brokered talks between Israeli and Palestinian leaders careened off their tracks into an embankment and burst into flames, burning with intensity for nearly an hour until the smoking remains were shoveled over with dirt.

Powell and Sharon meet shortly before talks broke down and collapsed, belching thick plumes of smoke.

"The goal was to establish a substantive, mutually respectful dialogue between the two sides that would lay the foundation for a lasting settlement," said Secretary of State Colin Powell upon returning from his failed diplomatic mission. "Unfortunately, at an early stage of the negotiation process, these efforts ran into obstacles. More specifically, they violently slammed into the obstacles at 190 mph, bursting into flames upon impact."

Powell expressed disappointment over his inability to bring together Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon at the same table.

"When the two leaders refused to meet, the negotiation process was suddenly halted, causing any hopes of a productive dialogue to slam into the back of it, crushing the fragile peace efforts in a twisted pile of crumpled metal," Powell said. "As a result, Arab-Israeli tension rose higher and higher, spinning off into the sky with an ear-splitting whine before exploding several miles above the Dead Sea."

Arafat

Meetings between Powell and various Arab leaders were similarly unsuccessful.

"Syrian President Bashar al-Assad called for a full Israeli withdrawal from the West Bank before he would agree to negotiate with Israel," Powell said. "He also refused to condemn the use of suicide bombings, essentially blocking himself out of the peace process with a 10-foot-thick wall strung with razor wire."

Unable to make any headway with al-Assad and other Arab leaders, Powell returned to Israel, where he met with Sharon.

"Prime Minister Sharon promised that Israel would pull back from Jenin, Nablus, and other areas, but this is far from the pull-out requested by the U.S.," Powell said. "When Sharon announced that Israeli forces would not leave Bethlehem until the current standoff in the Church of the Nativity ends, a massive blow was dealt to this peace mission, catapulting it through a nearby building and causing it to shatter into countless pieces, covering all surfaces with a fine powder of broken glass."

A Palestinian youth hurls a rock at an Israeli tank.

Approximately 1,300 Palestinians and nearly 500 Israelis have been killed since the Palestinian uprising began in September 2000, when peace talks stalled, shuddered to a halt, and belched thick plumes of black smoke.

According to Mideast experts, prospects for peace in the region are dimmer than they have been in years.

"Arab-Israeli relations are quite possibly at their lowest point since 1973," said Anthony Zinni, U.S. special envoy to the Middle East. "I fear that any remaining scrap of goodwill between Arafat and Sharon has been damaged irreparably, torn out in hunks of debris from the noxious fumes wafting from the burning wreckage of the Camp David Accords."

"Once again, peace talks have broken down, having lurched and chugged forward a few inches before collapsing in a smoldering heap," Zinni continued. "Personally, my faith in a possible resolution has been shaken, thrown to the ground, and run over by a thousand tanks."

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