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James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

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WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Midterm Candidates Distancing Selves From United States

Incumbents and challengers from both parties are spending millions of dollars on campaign ads that disavow any personal ties to America or its interests.
Incumbents and challengers from both parties are spending millions of dollars on campaign ads that disavow any personal ties to America or its interests.

WASHINGTON—Hoping to avoid any association with a country whose approval rating has hit an all-time low among voters, the entire field of 2014 midterm congressional candidates is actively working to distance themselves from the United States, sources confirmed Wednesday.

In the run up to Election Day, reports indicate that every person campaigning in one of the 36 U.S. Senate or 435 House races is now treating any perceived affiliation with the country as a major political liability—and they’re moving quickly to sever all remaining ties.

“When voters head to the polls on Nov. 4, they should understand that a vote for me is not a vote for the United States,” said Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), responding to repeated accusations from her opponent that she was once close with the country. “Any allegations or insinuations that I am sympathetic to America are simply false. These are desperate, baseless claims that seek to earn cheap political points with voters by portraying me as an advocate for America, which I am not.”

“Let me state once and for all that I do not endorse this country or share its views,” Landrieu added. “I believe my record has made that clear.”

According to sources, campaign teams from both parties and across all 50 states have worked tirelessly to avoid the stigma that now accompanies involvement of any kind with the country. Political strategists are also reportedly scrambling to assure top donors that if elected, their candidates will not be encumbered by any kind of pro-American baggage.

Top officials have confirmed that both incumbents and challengers are being strongly advised to avoid talking about the United States altogether in interviews and campaign appearances, and to change the subject quickly if pressed on a topic relating to the nation.

“While it’s true I have worked with America in the past, I can assure you that is no longer the case,” Sen. Pat Roberts (R-KS) said in a statement addressing video evidence that surfaced last week of a much younger Roberts extolling the country’s virtues. “That was many, many years ago. I had very little information available to me at that point, and I regret speaking before I had all the facts. My views have evolved considerably since that time.”

Added Roberts, “Despite my unfortunate expression of respect for America back then, I can now unequivocally state that I have nothing to do with the country or the values it represents.”

Campaign finance data from the Federal Election Commission reveals that 30 percent of expenditures in this election cycle have gone toward negative advertisements, many of which charge an opponent with having supported the United States, often for their entire career. In a race that is indicative of campaigns nationwide, Republican congressional challenger Will Hurd has reportedly spent millions on ads that attack incumbent Rep. Pete Gallego (D-TX) as “a rubber stamp for America,” accusing him of championing American causes and blasting him and his family for having a long history of ties to the nation.

“Gallego says he’s an independent voice with no connections to the United States, but I’m not sure I trust him,” said Del Rio, TX, registered voter Abigail Tomlinson, explaining that she believes the incumbent is not being entirely forthcoming about his past associations with the country. “Their views line up on a number of key issues, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence.”

“If he’s elected, I just know he’s going to vote for American interests,” Tomlinson continued. “You watch.”

All congressional candidates reached for comment on this article denied any current ties to the United States and hastened to assure reporters their true interests lie elsewhere.

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