adBlockCheck

'Midwest' Discovered Between East, West Coasts

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

'Midwest' Discovered Between East, West Coasts

A U.S. Geographic Survey expeditionary force announced yesterday that it has discovered an unexplored and heretofore unknown land region between the New York and California coasts.

"We shall call this land 'the Midwest,'" said Dirk Zachary, New York City native and leader of the 200-man exploratory team. "And its primitive inhabitants shall be known as 'Midwesterners.'"

Zachary and his men discovered the region while searching for the fabled Midwest Passage, the mythical overland route passing through the uncharted areas between Ithaca, NY, and Bakersfield, CA.

"I long suspected something was there," Zachary said. "I had flown between the city and L.A. on business several times. The duration of my flights seemed to indicate that some sort of a large area was being traversed, an area of unknown composition."

When asked if he had ever looked down from the airplane window during his flights, Zachary said, "Why, no."

The U.S. Geographic Survey's expedition left the East Coast three weeks ago to mixed hurrahs and jeers. Not long after crossing the Adirondack Mountains, Zachary and his team were blazing trails through strange new regions, wild lands full of corn and wheat.

"Thus far we have discovered the places known as Michigan, Minnesota and Wisconsin," said Thomas Higgins, chief navigator for the expedition. "When translated from the local dialect into human speech, these words seem to mean 'Summer camp.'"

Zachary and the others were surprised to learn that the Midwest, long believed to be incapable of supporting human life, was indeed populated, albeit sparsely.

"The Midwestern Aborigines are ruddy, generally heavy-set folk, clad in plain non-designer costumery," Zachary said. "And though coarse and unattractive, these simple people were rather friendly, offering us plain native fare such as 'Hotdish' and 'Casserole.'" Despite the natives' friendly demeanor, Zachary's men quickly slaughtered all Midwestern tribesmen they encountered, "just to be safe."

Though the Midwest is still largely unexplored, early reports depict a region as backwards as it is vast.

"Many of the basics of a civilized culture appear to be entirely absent," said Gina Strauch, a Los Angeles-based anthropologist. "They have yet to discover the film industry, and their knowledge of restaurants is sketchy at best. Their agri-centric lives seem to prevent them from exploring the high-fashion sciences to any degree. Further, many of their children earn money at actual 'jobs,' rather than spending their parents' money or living off a trust fund."

Despite the cultural differences, some say relations with the Midwest are possible.

"Believe it or not, this region may have things to offer us," said James Ogleby, a San Francisco marketing expert. "We could build an airport there, a place where passengers could switch planes on their way across the country. We could send touring Broadway productions there to stage revivals. We could even someday conduct trade with the Midwesterners, offering them electronics in exchange for cattle."

Despite the excitement over the discovery, Zachary is maintaining perspective. "These people are not at all like us," he said. "They are crude and provincial, bewildered by our cities and our culture, our books and our coffee shops. For a New Yorker to attempt to interact with one as he would with, say, a Bostonian is ludicrous. It appears unlikely that we will ever be able to conduct a genuine exchange of ideas with them about anything, save perhaps television or college football."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close