adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

Midwestern Tornado Destroys 4 World's Largest Objects

SAC CITY, IA—A category F4 tornado ravaged large sections of Iowa, Illinois, Minnesota and Wisconsin Sunday, killing 15 people and irreparably damaging four of the world's largest novelty objects, including a prized 150-foot fiberglass muskie and a two-ton bail of hay in Minnesota. "It's horrifying, there are three-foot wide pieces of popcorn ball everywhere," said Midwesterner Emily Roberts, whose garage was leveled when powerful winds dropped Sac City, IA's record-breaking confection onto its roof. "That damn popcorn ball used to be the pride of our city. It's so senseless." Even as volunteers worked tirelessly to clean up debris from the World's Largest Ball of Yarn in Rockford, IL, the city's mayor had already invited Guinness World Records officials to oversee the dedication of the World's Largest Knot.

More from this section

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close