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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Midwestern Tornado Destroys 4 World's Largest Objects

SAC CITY, IA—A category F4 tornado ravaged large sections of Iowa, Illinois, Minnesota and Wisconsin Sunday, killing 15 people and irreparably damaging four of the world's largest novelty objects, including a prized 150-foot fiberglass muskie and a two-ton bail of hay in Minnesota. "It's horrifying, there are three-foot wide pieces of popcorn ball everywhere," said Midwesterner Emily Roberts, whose garage was leveled when powerful winds dropped Sac City, IA's record-breaking confection onto its roof. "That damn popcorn ball used to be the pride of our city. It's so senseless." Even as volunteers worked tirelessly to clean up debris from the World's Largest Ball of Yarn in Rockford, IL, the city's mayor had already invited Guinness World Records officials to oversee the dedication of the World's Largest Knot.

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