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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Miguel Tejada Claims He's Never Heard Of Jason Grimsley, Steroids, Orioles

BALTIMORE—Following pitcher Jason Grimsley's allegation that Miguel Tejada had taken performance-enhancing drugs while the two were teammates, Tejada denied all knowledge of Grimsley, Rafael Palmeiro, anabolic steroids, Bud Selig, random drug tests, Jay Gibbons, Brian Roberts, the Orioles baseball organization, and the city of Baltimore. "Jason Grimsley? I've never heard of him before in my life. Who is he? Is he a movie star?" Tejada asked reporters Monday. "And what are steroids? People keep saying 'steroids,' but I have no idea what that term means. And who are these so-called 'Baltimore Orioles' he keeps mentioning? What is going on?" Tejada went on to claim that he cannot recall winning the 2002 AL MVP award, that he has definitely never played Major League Baseball, and that he doesn't know where he is right now and can't remember how he got here.

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