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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Miguel Tejada Claims He's Never Heard Of Jason Grimsley, Steroids, Orioles

BALTIMORE—Following pitcher Jason Grimsley's allegation that Miguel Tejada had taken performance-enhancing drugs while the two were teammates, Tejada denied all knowledge of Grimsley, Rafael Palmeiro, anabolic steroids, Bud Selig, random drug tests, Jay Gibbons, Brian Roberts, the Orioles baseball organization, and the city of Baltimore. "Jason Grimsley? I've never heard of him before in my life. Who is he? Is he a movie star?" Tejada asked reporters Monday. "And what are steroids? People keep saying 'steroids,' but I have no idea what that term means. And who are these so-called 'Baltimore Orioles' he keeps mentioning? What is going on?" Tejada went on to claim that he cannot recall winning the 2002 AL MVP award, that he has definitely never played Major League Baseball, and that he doesn't know where he is right now and can't remember how he got here.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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