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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Miguel Tejada Claims He's Never Heard Of Jason Grimsley, Steroids, Orioles

BALTIMORE—Following pitcher Jason Grimsley's allegation that Miguel Tejada had taken performance-enhancing drugs while the two were teammates, Tejada denied all knowledge of Grimsley, Rafael Palmeiro, anabolic steroids, Bud Selig, random drug tests, Jay Gibbons, Brian Roberts, the Orioles baseball organization, and the city of Baltimore. "Jason Grimsley? I've never heard of him before in my life. Who is he? Is he a movie star?" Tejada asked reporters Monday. "And what are steroids? People keep saying 'steroids,' but I have no idea what that term means. And who are these so-called 'Baltimore Orioles' he keeps mentioning? What is going on?" Tejada went on to claim that he cannot recall winning the 2002 AL MVP award, that he has definitely never played Major League Baseball, and that he doesn't know where he is right now and can't remember how he got here.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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