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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Mike D'Antoni Drawing Up Plays To Get Lakers To Like Him

LOS ANGELES—Sources within the Lakers organization confirmed Friday that recently hired head coach Mike D’Antoni has been drawing up plays in a clear attempt to make his new players like him. “World Peace, you’ll run a weave screen for Pau to the inside, and then Pau, you’ll shoot the jumper on the weak-side arc—I mean, unless you don’t want to, because you can take a shot from anywhere and you’ll still make it, because you’re awesome,” D’Antoni said during a team practice, repeatedly stressing that his plays “are only guidelines” and players should “feel free to improvise out there.” “When we’re not in possession, Dwight, I want you in the paint, blocking the lane and getting rebounds, because you’re the best defender in the league, and, wow, just watching you play is an honor. And Kobe, you can hover around the perimeter on offense and, anytime you see an opening, just raise your hand and someone will get you the ball. There’s no need to draw up plays for you—if anything, you should be giving me notes, right?” Following the practice, locker room sources reported that every player on the Lakers already hates D’Antoni.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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