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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Mike D'Antoni Drawing Up Plays To Get Lakers To Like Him

LOS ANGELES—Sources within the Lakers organization confirmed Friday that recently hired head coach Mike D’Antoni has been drawing up plays in a clear attempt to make his new players like him. “World Peace, you’ll run a weave screen for Pau to the inside, and then Pau, you’ll shoot the jumper on the weak-side arc—I mean, unless you don’t want to, because you can take a shot from anywhere and you’ll still make it, because you’re awesome,” D’Antoni said during a team practice, repeatedly stressing that his plays “are only guidelines” and players should “feel free to improvise out there.” “When we’re not in possession, Dwight, I want you in the paint, blocking the lane and getting rebounds, because you’re the best defender in the league, and, wow, just watching you play is an honor. And Kobe, you can hover around the perimeter on offense and, anytime you see an opening, just raise your hand and someone will get you the ball. There’s no need to draw up plays for you—if anything, you should be giving me notes, right?” Following the practice, locker room sources reported that every player on the Lakers already hates D’Antoni.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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