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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Mike Holmgren Finally Admits To Friends That He's Working For Cleveland Browns

CLEVELAND—After asking friends and loved ones to assemble at his home so he could "finally come clean," Mike Holmgren made a tearful admission Sunday night, at last revealing he works for the Cleveland Browns and has been doing so for more than two years. "I know some of you probably feel angry that I've been hiding things from you, but I think you understand why I wouldn't want people to know about this," said Holmgren, choking up as he clutched the hand of his wife, who separated from him for a period after he confessed to her late last year. "And obviously, I did hide it. No, I didn't buy a house in Cleveland because I won a lifetime pass to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on the radio. And all those times I told you I was going to watch the Browns, it wasn't because I was scouting them. It was because I'm actually responsible for running the whole franchise." With the support of his friends, Holmgren agreed to seek help and next week will check himself into a rehab program located in the Packers' front office.

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