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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Mike Holmgren Finally Admits To Friends That He's Working For Cleveland Browns

CLEVELAND—After asking friends and loved ones to assemble at his home so he could "finally come clean," Mike Holmgren made a tearful admission Sunday night, at last revealing he works for the Cleveland Browns and has been doing so for more than two years. "I know some of you probably feel angry that I've been hiding things from you, but I think you understand why I wouldn't want people to know about this," said Holmgren, choking up as he clutched the hand of his wife, who separated from him for a period after he confessed to her late last year. "And obviously, I did hide it. No, I didn't buy a house in Cleveland because I won a lifetime pass to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on the radio. And all those times I told you I was going to watch the Browns, it wasn't because I was scouting them. It was because I'm actually responsible for running the whole franchise." With the support of his friends, Holmgren agreed to seek help and next week will check himself into a rehab program located in the Packers' front office.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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