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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Mike Holmgren Wondering If You've Ever Played Wide Receiver

SEATTLE—Desperate to fill his depleted receiving corps, Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren reportedly questioned every person he encountered Monday on their pass-catching ability, 40-yard dash times, and availability on Sunday afternoons. "If you've ever played wide receiver in college, high school, middle school, or even just in your backyard, come on down to Qwest Field for a tryout," Holmgren said, addressing reporters before inquiring about their hand size, vertical leap, route running, and knowledge of the West Coast offense. "You don't really need a lot of experience as long as you have a willingness to gain yards after the catch." Holmgren, who estimated that he has already interviewed over 500 possible wideouts at Seattle-area laundromats, gas stations, and coffee shops, has not ruled out suiting up himself this Sunday.

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