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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mike Holmgren Wondering If You've Ever Played Wide Receiver

SEATTLE—Desperate to fill his depleted receiving corps, Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren reportedly questioned every person he encountered Monday on their pass-catching ability, 40-yard dash times, and availability on Sunday afternoons. "If you've ever played wide receiver in college, high school, middle school, or even just in your backyard, come on down to Qwest Field for a tryout," Holmgren said, addressing reporters before inquiring about their hand size, vertical leap, route running, and knowledge of the West Coast offense. "You don't really need a lot of experience as long as you have a willingness to gain yards after the catch." Holmgren, who estimated that he has already interviewed over 500 possible wideouts at Seattle-area laundromats, gas stations, and coffee shops, has not ruled out suiting up himself this Sunday.

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