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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Mike Krzyzewski Assures Duke Players That Team Is Ranked 26th

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski reassured his slumping basketball team, which fell from the national top-25 rankings for the first time in 11 years following losses to Virginia, Florida State, UNC, and Maryland that they are in fact the very first team to have fallen off the charts. "Don't worry, gentlemen, we're the first team listed once you get past all the those teams there in the poll," Krzyzewski said in a post-practice team meeting at which he unveiled a banner stating the new team philosophy, "Unbeaten In Practice Equals Practically Unbeaten." "Duke is not just another also-ran—we're the top shelf of the second tier of college basketball." Krzyzewski blamed his team's recent fall in the rankings to a combination of unusually even-handed officiating, and "vengeful" opposing teams "running up the score" to a total of one or more points than Duke's.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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