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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Mike Krzyzewski Leads Ragtag Band Of Rejects To Olympic Gold

LONDON—Defying the odds with a stunning 107-100 upset victory over Spain, hot shot coach Mike Krzyzewski led the hapless misfits on the U.S. men’s basketball team to Olympic gold Sunday, transforming the scraggly bunch of lovable losers into world champions in just one month. "When we started in July, not one of them knew how to shoot a free throw, Kevin [Durant] couldn’t even dribble a basketball without using both hands, and there wasn't a single player capable of passing, but they've really come a long way," said Krzyzewski, who reportedly made a breakthrough right before the team's first game when he finally taught the freaks, washouts, and spazzes to believe in themselves. "Sure they may be dorky, weird-looking, or unpopular, but we showed the Spanish what a team of really great friends can accomplish with hard work, a whole lot of heart, and a little luck." Krzyzewski said he now plans to go to Durham, NC, where he will try to guide the bumbling squad of dickheads on the Duke Blue Devils team to an improbable NCAA championship.

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