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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Mike Lowell Second In All-Star Voting But Leads In All-Star Superdelegates

BOSTON—As the polls close on the first month of All-Star voting, the race to represent the American League at third base is a dead heat with the Yankee's Alex Rodriguez leading Boston's Mike Lowell in the popular vote by a 2-to-1 margin, but Lowell edging Rodriguez with two-thirds of the crucial, if controversial, MLB superdelegates. "This is exactly what I've been warning people about for years—a few hundred people in the American League National Committee have more influence on the All-Star game than thousands of fans, and that's not right," said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. "And look who these highly placed American League figures are—Peter Gammons, who never saw a Sox infielder he didn't like. And Terry Francona, for God's sake, their manager! I thought baseball was supposed to be a democracy." Girardi said that he was prepared to take his grievance all the way to the office of AL National Convention chairman George Steinbrenner.

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