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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Mike Lupica Uses Final Thought On Sports Reporters To Ask About His Missing Dog

NEW YORK—Sportswriter and pundit Mike Lupica, a regular panelist on ESPN's The Sports Reporters, used the time given him during the "Parting Shot" segment of last Sunday's show to alert the television audience to the recent disappearance of his beagle-Dachshund mix. "Our love of dogs, like our love of sports, has the power to bring us together despite our differences," Lupica said, holding a recent photo of his dog up to the camera. "Whether you agree with everything I say or not, I implore anyone out there who may have seen Puppica to please contact me care of ESPN or the Daily News. I can't answer all your letters, but I promise I will give them all consideration. He's wearing a blue collar and likes to fetch grounders. Thank you." Immediately after Lupica's monologue, Stephen A. Smith used his allotted "Parting Shot" screen time to point out that none of his many dogs, who "obviously loved [him] more than Lupica's dog loved his owner," had "ever, ever run away, and quite frankly, never would."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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