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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mike Lupica Uses Final Thought On Sports Reporters To Ask About His Missing Dog

NEW YORK—Sportswriter and pundit Mike Lupica, a regular panelist on ESPN's The Sports Reporters, used the time given him during the "Parting Shot" segment of last Sunday's show to alert the television audience to the recent disappearance of his beagle-Dachshund mix. "Our love of dogs, like our love of sports, has the power to bring us together despite our differences," Lupica said, holding a recent photo of his dog up to the camera. "Whether you agree with everything I say or not, I implore anyone out there who may have seen Puppica to please contact me care of ESPN or the Daily News. I can't answer all your letters, but I promise I will give them all consideration. He's wearing a blue collar and likes to fetch grounders. Thank you." Immediately after Lupica's monologue, Stephen A. Smith used his allotted "Parting Shot" screen time to point out that none of his many dogs, who "obviously loved [him] more than Lupica's dog loved his owner," had "ever, ever run away, and quite frankly, never would."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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