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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Mike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife Arrives

WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about the propriety of being left alone with a syrup container of the opposite sex, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly asked his waiter Thursday to remove Mrs. Butterworth from the table until his wife arrived to join him at a local diner. “Excuse me, sir, would you please take this out of my line of sight until my wife gets here?” said Pence, who reportedly attempted to put the table’s sugar dispenser and salt and pepper shakers between him and the feminine syrup bottle before deciding that even having Mrs. Butterworth within arm’s reach could lead him to have impure thoughts. “It just would not be right for me to sit here alone with a woman-shaped container, particularly one as shapely as this. In fact, I would advise you to do the same for the man sitting over there—I see he is sitting very close to Mrs. Butterworth even though he appears to be wearing a wedding ring.” At press time, Pence had asked the waiter to pour syrup on his pancakes for him, as it would be unseemly to handle the curves of the plastic woman in such a public place.

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