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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Mike Pence Disappointed God Has Never Asked Him To Kill One Of Own Children

WASHINGTON—Saying he would surely rise to the occasion if tasked by the Almighty with the ultimate test of faith, Vice President Mike Pence said Monday that he was disappointed that God has never called upon him to kill one of his own children. “It’s just heartbreaking that the Lord hasn’t summoned me once to show my dedication to Him by sacrificing one of my precious kids,” said Pence, telling reporters that he has spent years waiting for any sign at all from the Heavenly Father that he should ritually slaughter one of his three children. “They’re grown now, so I’m starting to think I’ll never get the chance to offer the blood of any of them to prove my unshakable devotion. Heck, I’d put all three on an altar if that’s what He wanted.” Pence added that he would nevertheless keep a sharp dagger at the ready in the unlikely event God someday asks him to kill one of his grandchildren.

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