Mike Shanahan Cancels Rest Of Redskins Practices: 'We're As Good As We Can Get'

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Vol 46 Issue 31

NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones

NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday.

Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—After ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, officials say Illinois has been actively pursuing a number of sexually explicit scenes in direct-to-DVD features until it gets back on its feet.

Albert Haynesworth

The Redskins' defensive lineman has a checkered past and is currently struggling to get into condition. Is he any good?
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Mike Shanahan Cancels Rest Of Redskins Practices: 'We're As Good As We Can Get'

ASHBURN, VA—Discouraged by player performance during workouts, drills, meetings, and stretching exercises, head coach Mike Shanahan canceled the Redskins' remaining 2010–2011 practices Wednesday, conceding that no amount of training could possibly improve the team. "I'm just wasting their time and mine by making them show up," Shanahan told reporters Wednesday. "It's important to know your players' limitations and realize that nobody is going to learn the playbook, pay attention to basic instructions, or avoid injuries when putting on their pads. We're done." Shanahan reportedly came to his decision after witnessing an exhausted Redskins player decide to do the rest of a sit-up later.

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