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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Mike Shanahan Trails Off During Speech About Turning Franchise Around

WASHINGTON—Head coach Mike Shanahan attempted but failed to address his players regarding the Redskins' future Monday, repeatedly trailing off during what he evidently had planned as an encouraging talk about the future of the franchise. "As shaky as we've looked this season, we've got a lot to, you know… We just have to, eh, ahem," said Shanahan, who started and stopped his speech several times and at one point actually stood up as if to leave before seeming to notice his players arranged around him listening. "What I'm trying to say is, we're just a few games from turning. From turning this thing over, I mean. No, around. Turning it back? Well, anyway, I'm gonna go." Shanahan then told his players that his door was always open before retiring to his office and shutting the door.

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