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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...
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Mike Shanahan Trails Off During Speech About Turning Franchise Around

WASHINGTON—Head coach Mike Shanahan attempted but failed to address his players regarding the Redskins' future Monday, repeatedly trailing off during what he evidently had planned as an encouraging talk about the future of the franchise. "As shaky as we've looked this season, we've got a lot to, you know… We just have to, eh, ahem," said Shanahan, who started and stopped his speech several times and at one point actually stood up as if to leave before seeming to notice his players arranged around him listening. "What I'm trying to say is, we're just a few games from turning. From turning this thing over, I mean. No, around. Turning it back? Well, anyway, I'm gonna go." Shanahan then told his players that his door was always open before retiring to his office and shutting the door.

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