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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Mike Tomlin

STRENGTHS: Summoned the hypocrisy necessary to trade Santonio Holmes for pot infraction but keep Ben Roethlisberger; can manage and motivate an entire 40-man roster of elite athletes while staying on one side of white line; only decided to coach the Steelers after finding out there was no Neil O’Donnell, Kordell Stewart, or Bam Morris

WEAKNESSES: Has shown he is capable of occasionally losing games; often makes players feel like they’ll never be as cool as him; is only like 22 years old or something

AMOUNT OF BUSINESS IN ATTITUDE: 100 percent

CLIPBOARD: Brown Sparco 00893 Hardboard with Nickel-Plated Clip

NUMBER OF YEARS UNTIL HE IS A HAS-BEEN COACH JUMPING FROM FRANCHISE TO FRANCHISE, TRYING TO BRING CHAMPIONSHIPS TO A LONG-SUFFERING FAN BASE BUT ACTUALLY SERVING AS A BURNT-OUT MONEY-SUCKING HUSK OF HIS FORMER SELF: Eight

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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