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Mike Tomlin

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Mike Tomlin

STRENGTHS: Summoned the hypocrisy necessary to trade Santonio Holmes for pot infraction but keep Ben Roethlisberger; can manage and motivate an entire 40-man roster of elite athletes while staying on one side of white line; only decided to coach the Steelers after finding out there was no Neil O’Donnell, Kordell Stewart, or Bam Morris

WEAKNESSES: Has shown he is capable of occasionally losing games; often makes players feel like they’ll never be as cool as him; is only like 22 years old or something

AMOUNT OF BUSINESS IN ATTITUDE: 100 percent

CLIPBOARD: Brown Sparco 00893 Hardboard with Nickel-Plated Clip

NUMBER OF YEARS UNTIL HE IS A HAS-BEEN COACH JUMPING FROM FRANCHISE TO FRANCHISE, TRYING TO BRING CHAMPIONSHIPS TO A LONG-SUFFERING FAN BASE BUT ACTUALLY SERVING AS A BURNT-OUT MONEY-SUCKING HUSK OF HIS FORMER SELF: Eight

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