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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Mild Sexual Harassment Ignored To Save The Hassle

NEW HAVEN, CT—Mindy Neuberg, 29, ignored an instance of sexual harassment "just to avoid the hassle," the attractive writer reported Tuesday. "This bouncer at Sweeney's pulled me out of the line to 'frisk me for weapons,' and after calling me 'sweet-cheeks,' he spent way too much time checking me for a gun," Neuberg said. "I should have complained, but I would've had to get his name, find the manager, and make my case... It just didn't seem worth it." Neuberg said that her decision to drop the issue was also influenced by the fact that, "after getting publicly felt up by some meathead," she really needed to get to the bar for a gin and tonic.

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