adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
End Of Section
  • More News

Military Now Considering Limiting Soldiers With Severe PTSD To 3 Combat Tours

WASHINGTON—Following the alleged murder of 16 Afghan civilians by Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales, the U.S. military announced Wednesday it would consider limiting troops with crippling post-traumatic stress disorder to just three combat tours. "If it's only their second or third tour, we have no problem sending soldiers with shattered psyches and profound emotional problems back into a war zone, but the case of Staff Sgt. Bales suggests four may be too many," said Gen. John R. Allen, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, adding that troops in their third deployment can still basically function with PTSD and, instead of snapping and killing civilians, "might still have it together enough to kill actual enemies when they go berserk." "We are beginning to think that if a soldier in his fourth tour suffers from constant night terrors or is haunted by memories of the friends he's lost in combat, he could actually become a liability on the battlefield." Gen. Allen acknowledged that while it is possible the redeployment of the mentally ill is a bad policy altogether, any such notion is mere speculation at this point.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close