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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Military Recruiter Doesn’t Have To Dig Too Far Into Bag Of Tricks To Land This One

LANSING, MI—Noting that the 18-year-old was “pretty much on board” once he saw boots and fatigues, Army recruiter Mark Delacourt confirmed Monday that he didn’t have to reach too deep into his bag of tricks to snag this one. “I barely even got one sentence out about defending American values and serving with honor before he said, ‘Okay, let’s do this,’” said Delacourt, adding that he had a whole song and dance ready to go about “challenging yourself to see what you’re really made of” that went entirely unused. “As it turned out, just hearing the word ‘combat’ and looking at a pamphlet with an armored Humvee on the front was apparently good enough to reel this guy in. I didn’t even have to touch my whole stockpile of talking points about going to college on the G.I. Bill or acquiring vital job skills, and frankly, it probably would’ve gone in one ear and out the other anyway.” Delacourt added that because the interaction was over so quickly, he could save his free “Go Army” hat for the next one.

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