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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Military Recruiter Doesn’t Have To Dig Too Far Into Bag Of Tricks To Land This One

LANSING, MI—Noting that the 18-year-old was “pretty much on board” once he saw boots and fatigues, Army recruiter Mark Delacourt confirmed Monday that he didn’t have to reach too deep into his bag of tricks to snag this one. “I barely even got one sentence out about defending American values and serving with honor before he said, ‘Okay, let’s do this,’” said Delacourt, adding that he had a whole song and dance ready to go about “challenging yourself to see what you’re really made of” that went entirely unused. “As it turned out, just hearing the word ‘combat’ and looking at a pamphlet with an armored Humvee on the front was apparently good enough to reel this guy in. I didn’t even have to touch my whole stockpile of talking points about going to college on the G.I. Bill or acquiring vital job skills, and frankly, it probably would’ve gone in one ear and out the other anyway.” Delacourt added that because the interaction was over so quickly, he could save his free “Go Army” hat for the next one.

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