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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Military Recruiter Doesn’t Have To Dig Too Far Into Bag Of Tricks To Land This One

LANSING, MI—Noting that the 18-year-old was “pretty much on board” once he saw boots and fatigues, Army recruiter Mark Delacourt confirmed Monday that he didn’t have to reach too deep into his bag of tricks to snag this one. “I barely even got one sentence out about defending American values and serving with honor before he said, ‘Okay, let’s do this,’” said Delacourt, adding that he had a whole song and dance ready to go about “challenging yourself to see what you’re really made of” that went entirely unused. “As it turned out, just hearing the word ‘combat’ and looking at a pamphlet with an armored Humvee on the front was apparently good enough to reel this guy in. I didn’t even have to touch my whole stockpile of talking points about going to college on the G.I. Bill or acquiring vital job skills, and frankly, it probably would’ve gone in one ear and out the other anyway.” Delacourt added that because the interaction was over so quickly, he could save his free “Go Army” hat for the next one.

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